Should we stay together for the sake of the kids?
As divorce lawyers we have heard (many times) people stating that they have been unhappy in a relationship for years and have only decided to do something about it as the children have grown up. It is certainly the case that many parents in this situation find themselves thinking ‘should we stay together for the sake of the kids?’ There is no easy answer but ultimately, children living with parents in an unhappy relationship (especially where there is regular conflict) can suffer psychological harm, as can those whose parents separate or divorce.
The psychological effects of divorce and separation on children varies enormously. Divorce is inevitably going to create stress for children and some rebound faster than others. The experts agree that the first year will inevitably be the toughest. Children have to accept that their parents are going to be living in separate households and this can have a big impact on them. They often experience distress, anger and anxiety among other things.
Some children blame themselves, others feel elements of disloyalty that the other parent will be alone when they move between households. A lot of these reactions can depend on the age of the children and the behaviour of their parents. For instance, older children may feel an enormous sense of guilt and burden when parents separate. Guilt in that they may perceive what is happening as their fault, and burden as they might feel somehow emotionally responsible for one of the parents, especially if that parent is struggling to cope with the divorce.
The good news is that whilst some of these feelings are inevitable, there are things that you can do to help your children navigate this period as smoothly as possible.
How can I put the children first following separation?
Effective co-parenting is a huge help to your children. This helps to reduce problems such as conflict in front of children, where children feel that they are in the middle and have to choose sides. It can also take the responsibility of decision making away from the children. The NSPCC give some really helpful guidance here https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/separation-and-divorce/
As lawyers we can help you take a non-adversarial approach and look at ways you can work with your co-parent to establish arrangements that work best for your children. We can assist you in completing a Parenting Plan which is entirely child-focused and can avoid future disagreements if you discuss and consider things at an early stage.
Mediation can be a very effective process for parents to discuss matters regarding their children with the help of a neutral mediator. This process is particularly useful to parents who might be struggling with communication. Child Inclusive Mediation can also be offered when the children are aged around 10 years old and upwards and the children themselves can feel like they have a voice through talking directly to the mediator.
The collaborative process is again non-adversarial in that the parents and their lawyers work together to find a solution that works best for the family as a whole and most importantly the children. You can only use this process if both lawyers are collaboratively trained.
The most important thing for parents is to adopt a child-focused approach and to keep this at the forefront, so make sure your lawyer is child-focused.
If you want to discuss anything in this article please contact us.
